Capsuleer Illnesses

The pilots of New Eden are faced with many risks on a daily basis. Other capsuleers, pirates, mysterious wormholes and abyssal spaces, and other dangers lurk everywhere, but none are as dangerous as some of the maladies that can attack the unprepared pilot.

As a warning, here are the various afflictions I have encountered in my travels. Beware and try to avoid them!

Armor Battleship Disease (ABD)

ABD is a condition where the pilot begins to believe in the use of a specific ship type, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Symptoms:

• Use of phrases like, “I can tank all those guys!”, “Wait till my DPS lands on grid, I’ll show them…”, and “This thing is a beast…”
• Repeated mentions of ship fittings, EHP, and DPS as if talking about a loved one.

End state:

• Many expensive ship losses, usually preceded by a plaintive cry of “any reps on grid???”

Creeping Bittervetism

The pleasure centers of the brain are destroyed and the pilot can no longer find joy in New Eden.

Symptoms:

• Pilot has not been undocked in more than a month.
• Use of the term “shit fit” or the phrase “deserved to die”.
• Memory damage, where the pilot recalls a golden age of EVE that never existed and demands a return to the imaginary past.

End state:

• Endlessly refreshing the /r/Eve tab and ‘splaining across numerous Discord servers at all hours of the day or night.

Kitey Flight Syndrome

A condition where pilots are constantly using propulsion modules to run away from ship battles.

Symptoms:

• Use of phrases like: “Why can’t I get a good fight?”, “lol, newbs”, and “git gud”
• Severe neck pain from always looking backwards

End state:

• Many inevitable burnt out modules and rage quit when caught.

Naughton Comm’s Ear

The pilot’s auditory feed becomes corrupted and cannot connect with fleet communication systems. Named after Captain Naughton Comm, who lost several capital ships due to this affliction.

Symptoms:

• Unexpected demands in Alliance text channels for immediate support with little or no warning.
• Extreme emotionality over the loss of ships.
• Temporary restoration of fleet communication ability solely for the purpose of angry outbursts toward uninvolved alliance members.

End state:

• Pilot avoids contact with other corporation members for a bit, returning after a time in a depressive emotional state.

Spodbrain

The brain of the pilot becomes locked in a unbreakable loop of desire for more and more mining ships.

Symptoms:

• Continuous, delusional discussion of more ships, “These two rorqs will pay for another two and then, I’ll get up to multi boxing six, and then I can build …”
• Lack of desire for fleet combat and sexual relations with RL partner.
• Elevated heart rate and adrenaline release when hearing the words “neutrals inbound” or “new wormhole”.

End state:

• Tears

Anomaly Ticksiosis

Pilots become obsessed with hunting pirates based on the Concord bounties paid, regardless of their actual need for ISK, consuming vast amounts of time and greatly increasing spending on ships and modules.

Symptoms:

• Unreasonable hatred of the color red.
• Unnatural obsession with deadspace modules and continuous discussion of them, “Well, with the X-Types in the lows and the Estamel’s in the highs, this thing could…”

End state:

• Very expensive killmails and vociferous complaining about “local not working right”.